Controlling Your Own Emotions And Responses
How can we be better at controlling our emotions? How can we actually choose how to respond to difficult situations, rather than merely reacting in some automatic and possibly destructive fashion?
After teaching stress-management for over 25 years, Aila had her own stress crisis, which led to an instant stress breakthrough. She just published her findings in the new Amazon best-seller, “34 Instant Stress-Busters, Quick tips to de-stress fast with no extra time or money.” She is president & founder of LifeQuest International, LLC.
How did she get moved to focus on stress? As a senior in nursing school she heard that 85% of illness comes from stress. Aila has come to believe that all stress comes from a single, root cause.
- Take control of your breathing
- Turn off the news.
- Learn and use the Emotional Freedom Technique – a tapping technique for calming.
My second guest was Beverly Flaxington, an accomplished business consultant. Bev held many senior level positions in the corporate realm and has been a consultant running her own business since 1995. She is a professor at Suffolk University teaching “Small Business Management” and “Organizational Behavior”. Beverly is a Certified Hypnotist, Certified Professional Behavioral Analyst (CPBA) and Certified Professional Values Analyst (CPVA).
Beverly’s newest book, Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets to Human Behavior, was released in May 2009 and is available on amazon.com. It has been called “a truly valuable read” by the Midwest Book Review.
- It’s All About Me – not that we are self-obsessed, however we all do have a view on the world, which comes from our unique background and upbringing and history. We listen with our filters on, and we tend to react because our filters tell us that certain things are good and other things are bad. What we hear is not what you say – we hear what our filter tells us we hear. We hear what we think the other person must mean. Joe did X, and I know that if I did X then it would be because I meant Y, therefore Joe must mean Y.
How do I separate facts and data from emotional responses? Our reality is based on our memories of what we felt. Think about a fight you had last year. You most likely remember almost none of the dialog, and a little bit about what the other person’s message was, and you strongly remember how you felt about it, and your conclusions flow from those feelings.
Check yourself regularly here. We go from fact, to interpretation, to emotional reaction. And we treat our emotional reactions and conclusions as if they were facts.
The way out of this is, to adopt an “interested observer” role and to enhance our awareness. We have to notice our triggers. Step outside the theater. Step out of our regular roles. Take a position of curiosity.
- Our Behavioral Styles Come Between Us.You could be very results oriented and goal-focused and fast. I could be very slow, thoughtful, and methodical. Then put us on the same team. Our approach to problems is very different. You might intimidate me. There are four areas where we can clash – Problems, People, Pace, Procedure.
What’s our approach to problems? What’s our approach to other people? What’s our preferred approach to pacing? How do we go about our work, what procedures do we use and respect?
If you interpret my slow pace to “not caring” then you’ll treat me as someone who doesn’t care, even though I do. I might interpret your speed as carelessness – and now I think you don’t care about the result being solid. When we realize that we have styles that differ, we can cut each other slack and not rush to judgment.
- Your Values Speak More Loudly Than You Do.By grasping what the other person’s values are, you can understand how they are motivated, what drove their behaviors. If you realize you don’t yet know their values, then you can again stop your rush to judgment, and you can take the time to discover their values. Once you know the other person’s values, you can start to interpret their actions more accurately.
- Don’t assume that I know what you mean. Just because you know what you mean, doesn’t indicate that I know what you mean.
- I’m OK, you are most definitely Not OK.I may be powerfully tempted to make you look bad so that I can feel better about myself. This is a common drive. And we can get past that and move toward win-win.